My Pride and Whats Left of it.

Where. Where did it go? My pride, that is. I seem to have lost it somewhere. I am a prideful woman. I do not chase after a person even in the last relationship I was in. I didn’t make any move for us to even meet and talk about our quarrels. I didn’t care whether he’d break up with me. I wasn’t afraid of losing him. I thought of myself as an individual who has worth. I do know to myself that I have too much pride and I accepted it. I didn’t change it because I believe that is who I really am, that it is a part of me and thought that if he can’t accept or understand that, then he is not worth is or that I do not care because this is who I really am. But then, with you, something happened. I don’t know what but I lost the pride that I have. With you I seem to have lost my courage or bravery of being alone. I keep trying to find ways so that we can talk and fix our sh*t but I guess our schedules don’t match as it seems you have a lot to do.

When. When did it happen? When did I turn into this. Afraid and worried. When did I lose my pride, the only thing that I have left? It pains me to see myself so pathetic. Pathetic….that’s how I see people who doesn’t stand up or fight for themselves. To people who let their lives be controlled by others or by feelings of love. And now, I am one of those people. Funny isn’t it? Pathetic at the same time. It hurts me so much to have changed unknowingly for you.

What and How. What happened? How did it happen? I am so confused. What happened to me?! HOW?!!! What did you do anything or have I become so blind with maybes. I am angry with myself. I don’t know what is happening to me. What should I choose? My heart who keeps on loving you and would still continue despite the pain of our relationship that is going nowhere or my mind/brain who knows that I am being stupid and would just stop it all because I am turning into an idiot.

Why. Why have I become like the people I thought who are weak or have I only been pretending all this time? Why have I become so weak towards you. I hate it but i can’t stop myself, it’s so sad. Is it because that I know you could just leave me when you want to and not even think twice. I might have done some things but I told you I don’t do stuff without a reason. I thought it would give you a hint on your actions but I guess I was wrong.

Who. Who are you that have turned me this way? Turned my mind in a roller coaster. Who are you to have made me forget my vision and opinions? That made me lose my pride without me even knowing. Are you really someone whom I can sacrifice things? Are you the person who would make everything worth it or am I just hoping or assuming even. You hurt me, confuse me I don’t know what to do. It makes me hopeful but at the same time I just want to give up. You say one thing but does the other. I can’t read you, I do not understand you. You give me pain but I still love you.

I want my old self back. Strong. Unafraid. Stands up with Pride. A person who can take care of herself despite the hardship. Some one who wouldn’t waver just because of another person. Where did my pride go? the only thing that I have left.

 

What should I do?

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